The Mad Doctor
NOTE: All of Doug and Rob's riffs are voiceovered. (Open on the title card for this short, displayed by Mickey and Minnie Mouse) Rob: The Dr. Phil Story! Doug: "Mad", as in "angry", or "mad", as in "crazy"? Rob: Yes. (The cartoon begins: it is a stormy night at Mickey's house, with wind blowing and lightning flashing. Pluto is sleeping in his doghouse) Doug: (as Mickey) Good night, Pluto! Good luck surviving Hurricane Irma! (Cut to inside Mickey's house, where he asleep in his bed) Rob: You know, if Mickey didn't finish off that bottle of bourbon, he might realize there's a hurricane outside. (Suddenly, Mickey is startled awake by the sound of Pluto yelping) Doug: (as Mickey) What's that, boy? A sharknado? (Then Mickey hears the sound of evil laughter) Mickey: Pluto? (runs to the window) Pluto! Doug: (as Mickey) Well, he's no longer a planet, so who gives a shit? (Mickey runs out and finds Pluto's doghouse overturned and the dog missing) Mickey: He's gone! (On the ground, he sees footprints starting from the doghouse and off over a path, which he follows. Meanwhile, a hooded figure in a black cloak has a hold of Pluto by his chain leash and drags him along by it) Doug: Goofy's gonna experiment on Pluto. There will be answers! (Mickey continues to follow the footprints) Rob: (as Mickey) Judging by these footprints, I'd say he has feet. (Cut to a shot of a castle, where the masked figure is dragging Pluto to, across a suspension bridge. Lightning flashes illuminate the rock it's on, showing it to be in the shape of a skull) Doug: (imitating a vampire) Welcome to Castlevania! YAHOO! YAHOO! (Cut to a closeup of the castle door, through which the figure drags Pluto. A sign by the door reads "Dr. XXX") Doug: "Dr. Triple X"?! Rob: Next on Cinema Snob: the first porno starring cartoon dogs. (Mickey starts across the suspension bridge, with the planks falling away behind him) Rob: Well, it's nice of that bridge to politely collapse. Doug: Yeah, we want to kill you, but kill you with kindness. (Mickey tugs on the door ringer, but he suddenly gets pulled into an open mouth on the door where the ringer is. He is thrown into the castle and bumps into a column, where a knife and a cleaver fall down behind him, embedding in a block of wood) Doug: It's like the welcome mat at Steve Bannon's house. (Suddenly, the door locks shut behind him) Rob: (menacingly) You now belong to the Disney Vault. Doug: (as Mickey) I thought I was public domain! Rob: Wrong! (Suddenly, Mickey ducks as a flock of bats flies over him) Doug: (whispering) The great survivors. Mickey: Pluto! (Mickey starts to look around. Meanwhile, the masked figure has dragged Pluto into a laboratory in the castle. As Pluto continues to struggle, his chain leash and collar are broken off, and the figure grabs the still-struggling, yelping Pluto by his tail instead) Rob: Seeking revenge on Mystery, Inc., the nearsighted ghoul had no idea this wasn't Scooby-Doo. (Meanwhile, Mickey continues his search, through a dimensional hallway (something quite rare for Disney animation, especially at this time)) Rob: Coming this summer: Walt Disney's Doom 64. (Suddenly, a chunk of stone falls from the ceiling and lands right behind Mickey. He lets out a startled yelp) Doug: (as Mickey) SCREW IT! I'M GETTING A CAT! (Startled, Mickey stumbles around a corner and down a flight of stairs into another room, where he sees two sets of long shadows) Rob: The legs of Gwendoline Christie foreshadow Mickey's end. (Mickey looks up to see where the shadows have come from: they're the shadows of two demonic figures) Doug: (as Mickey) Okay, guys, I know it's the '30s, but I thought we'd be able to do better than this! (Mickey looks behind him, noticing, to his relief, that they are just fireplace figures. Embers from the fireplace jump out. Mickey giggles as he walks up close to the fireplace, but then one ember jumps out and hits him in the rear. Mickey yelps again in pain and runs off) Doug: (as Mickey) Fire in my hole! I'm searching for Pluto, but I got hit in my Uranus! (Mickey runs into a darkened room in the castle, so dark that only his eyes can be seen. He strikes a match for light) Rob: Mickey has a match? Doug: Disney was a smoker, so Mickey is a smoker. (Mickey sees a grandfather clock before him, shaped like a coffin, and the parts all made from bones, with the pendulum made from a skull. The clock inches toward 3:00) Rob: At the sound of the tone, it will be death o'clock. (Once reaching the top of the hour, a small door at the top of the clock opens, revealing a skeletal cuckoo clock bird that makes its cuckoo sound. Mickey looks on nervously. Suddenly, a door in the wall above him opens and a reanimated skeleton emerges to blow out Mickey's candle, plunging the room into darkness once more) Doug: (as skeleton) I don't have any lungs or lips, but take this! (Mickey emerges from the darkened room and looks around. Suddenly, the skeleton appears again and tries to hit Mickey with a stone, but misses) Rob: Oh, it's the newest reality show, Practical Jokes and Satan. (The skeleton reaches out to grab Mickey from behind, but Mickey, visibly scared now, runs off. The skeleton becomes upset and snaps its fingers in disappointment. Mickey runs over to a fight of stairs) Mickey: Pluto... (Mickey makes his way up the flight of stairs and, once at the top, looks out through a window in it, calling Pluto's name again. What he doesn't know is that the stair knob on the side is another reanimated skull or that the steps behind him are rising to reveal a skeleton in each one) Doug: (as each skeleton rises) Do... re... mi... fa... BOO! Doug and Rob: Dammit, Frank! (Suddenly, the skeleton on the step under Mickey's feet rises up and the other skeletons slant the steps so that Mickey slides back down) Mickey: Pluto... (All the skeletons in the stairs lift up the steps and stare at Mickey briefly) Doug and Rob: (as skeletons) Piss off! (Mickey runs off. Meanwhile, the hooded figure straps Pluto to a lab seat. Next to Pluto is a chicken, also strapped in) Rob: You know, I get the dog; I'm just not for the life of me understanding the chicken. (Then the figure removes its cloak: it's Dr. XXX, a bald-headed man with a mustache and beard and wearing a lab coat and gloves. Pluto looks on in shock and the chicken clucks sadly and sheds a tear) Doug: (about the melancholy chicken) So this is how Chick-fil-A comes up with their sandwich ideas! Dr. XXX: And now... (Dr. XXX flips a switch, and Pluto's X-Ray is taken as he sits. His heart is beating rapidly inside his ribcage as he perspires) Rob: (as Dr. XXX) Good God, dog! Where's your junk?! Doug: (as Dr. XXX) I splice you, Gundam style! Dr. XXX: (singing) I'm a raring, tearing wizard when it comes to cutting up... (laughs evilly) Rob: I guess it was pretty funny. (Dr. XXX gestures towards a blackboard which has the following equation on it: "of chicken + of dog by of a bloodstained saw = of chicken with dog's head") Dr. XXX: (singing) I can graft a chicken's gizzard on the wishbone of a pup. (In response, Pluto's heart leaps to his throat and beats much more rapidly than ever) Rob: (as Dr. XXX) Whoa! Seriously, you should get that looked at! I'm a doctor, you know! Dr. XXX: (singing) And here's the great experiment I'm just about to tackle... Doug: Human Centipede for kids! (Dr. XXX gestures toward the blackboard again, whose equation continues: "of chicken with dog's head - egg = hatching to reveal dog inside") Dr. XXX: (singing) To find out if the net result will bark or crow or cackle! (cackles insanely as he takes a knife) Rob: You know, I gotta hand it to him, the science seems pretty legit. (As Pluto's heart races in his throat, he swallows; his heart drops to the bottom of his body, as do all the bones in his body; his heart beats much more slowly) Doug: Yikes! Bob Barker was right! Spay or neuter, folks! (Pluto howls a melancholy howl. Mickey hears it) Mickey: Pluto!! (Mickey runs over to a ladder and starts climbing up, but it's on a trapdoor, which opens up underneath, so the ladder starts falling, leaving Mickey to seemingly climb in place) Rob: H.P. Lovecraft's Mouse Trap: it's the scariest game for ages 3 to the grave! (At the top of the ladder is still another skeleton, and Mickey runs right up through its ribcage. Terrified at what he sees, Mickey runs) Doug: (as skeleton) Free hugs! (As Mickey is stuck in the ribcage, he drags the skeleton along with him as he runs. He runs into a stone column. The skeleton shatters briefly, freeing Mickey, but all the bones fall so that they reattach themselves. The skeleton is briefly headless, but the skull lands on the ground and bounces up into the air, landing on the spine and screwing itself back into place. The skeleton glares at Mickey) Rob: (as skeleton) I thought we had something! (Mickey runs off. At the end of the hall, the doors of an elevator open, revealing a crowd of skeletons) Doug and Rob: (as skeletons, monotone) We just saw Transformers 5... (Mickey runs into this crowd of skeletons, then turns and runs in the other direction. The skeletons step off the elevator, remove their heads and throw them at Mickey) Doug: (as skeletons) Heads up! Keep ahead! Head him off! Heads will roll! Head pun. Doug and Rob: Dammit, Frank!! (Mickey keeps dodges as skulls fly past him. One skull comes at him with its mouth open and bites him the rear. Mickey yelps in pain and knocks the skull off with his fist) Doug: (as skull) Sorry, it's my thing. (Mickey runs up to a door and pulls on the knob, but it's actually a skeleton's hand that grabs his hand and shakes it) Rob: This is what Jehovah's Witnesses wish they could do at every door. (Mickey grabs a beam holding another door closed and uses it to whack the skeleton's hand. It lets go and shakes its hand in pain. Then suddenly, a string grabs Mickey by his middle and pulls him onto a spider's web; the spider is a skeleton as well) Rob: Oh, Shelob! Have you lost weight? (The skeleton spider chases Mickey around its web) Doug: This is actually what Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 4 was gonna look like. (Mickey jumps down off the web and the spider jumps down after him, trapping him in its legs. Mickey shakes the legs like the bars of a cage and then tickles the spider in its ribs; the spider jumps up, allowing Mickey to escape) Doug: Must have gotten him in the funny bone. Rob: I have no brother. (Mickey grabs an S-shaped railing off the staircase nearby and throws it at the skeletal spider) Rob: (as Mickey) Eat my S! (The S-shaped railing hits the spider, knocking away all of its body parts, leaving only the head and the tips of the legs. Meanwhile, the S comes boomeranging back to Mickey and knocks him down the stairs, while the spider, terrified, runs off. Meanwhile, Dr. XXX has hung Pluto by his tail and has taken a fork and scissors. He pokes Pluto's shadow with the fork and cuts it in half with the scissors) Doug: Oh, good God!! (in "idiot" voice) A FAMILY picture! From Hell! (Mickey hears Pluto's melancholy howls and runs toward the sound) Rob: (as Mickey) That very specifically sounds like Pluto's shadow being cut in half! (Mickey sees a closed door in his path. He opens it, only to find another door behind it. He opens this one and finds yet another door behind that. This goes on for several doors, until Mickey comes across one door that won't open) Rob: (as Mickey) Jesus tap-dancing Christ! I can't even... Who does this? Why have six doors if only the last one's locked?! Doug: (also as Mickey) This is some Goofy crap right here! (Mickey turns away from the door) Well, nice knowing you, Pluto! This was your last episode! (Having stepped away from the door several feet, Mickey then runs at the door, head first. The door opens ''in by itself as Mickey runs at it. It leads into Dr. XXX, and Mickey falls right onto an operating table that moves, by itself, closer to Dr. XXX. The table straps Mickey to it, trapping him)'' Doug: (as Dr. XXX) Ah, another proud volunteer to watch The Emoji Movie! Mickey: Pluto! Pluto! Rob: It's like a salon run by Morticia Addams! (Dr. XXX comes up and sees Mickey on the operating table. He laughs evilly) Rob: (as Dr. XXX) Sorry, I was thinking of joke from Big Bang Theory! That's how you know I'm evil! (Dr. XXX pulls on a chain and a dust brush comes down and dusts off Mickey's stomach) Rob: Apparently, Mickey's a little dusty in the groinal department. Doug: Minnie has a lot of headaches. (Dr. XXX flips some switches and turns some wheels, activating various pieces of machinery, then pulls a huge lever. The ceiling opens up and a huge buzzsaw starts coming down toward Mickey) Rob: (as Dr. XXX) Bugs Bunny says, "Merry Christmas, ya little shit!" (The buzzsaw starts spinning as it descends) Doug: (as Mickey) You expect me to talk?! Rob: (as Dr. XXX) No, Mr. Mouse, I expect you to squeak! (Mickey's operating table bends up in the middle, raising Mickey's stomach up closer to the buzzsaw!) Mickey: Help, help, Pluto! Pluto! (As the buzzsaw advances on him, Mickey sucks in his gut to avoid the buzzsaw touching, all while still calling for help. Suddenly, the scene dissolves to Mickey sleeping and quivering in his bed. It is morning now, and a bee is buzzing around him) Doug: See, kids? This is what happens when you eat at Arby's before bedtime. Rob: (as Mickey) But they have the meats! (Suddenly, the bee swoops down on Mickey and stings him. He jumps up, awake, yelping in surprise) Rob: (as Mickey) Holy crap! That was way worse than Donald's dream about becoming a Nazi! (Mickey blinks his eyes in confusion and looks around) Mickey: (frantically) Pluto! Pluto! (Outside, Mickey's house, Pluto, asleep in his doghouse, is awakened by Mickey calling his name) Mickey: Pluto? (Pluto comes into the bedroom through the window, barking and, as he is chained to the doghouse, dragging the doghouse in behind him. Pluto licks Mickey with excitement as the cartoon ends) Doug: Hey, kids, what have we learned today? Rob: That a story about a boy and his dog can be made better with buzzsaws, skeletons, and a creepy scientist who makes the Marquis de Sade look like Mister Rogers. (The closing end titles come up, showing Mickey and Minnie holding up a sign reading "The End") Doug: You might be wondering where Minnie was in all of this! She was the doctor's first victim. Bye! Category:ThatGuy Riffs Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Disney Category:Transcripts